


You don't just get better from these things.

by HazardousJack



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Happy Ending, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Platonic Relationships, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-29 21:16:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7699930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazardousJack/pseuds/HazardousJack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone knew. Well, almost everyone. Leonard McCoy was normal. This was completely normal and he was completely fine.  He was the ship's CMO. He had to be fine. He was Leonard McCoy, and he was going to be fine (he already was!) and he didn't need any help getting (staying) there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You don't just get better from these things.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a fanfiction so I'm sorry if it's terrible. It takes place in some weird, in between universe. Not AOS or TOS, right in between.  
> This might get a little angsty, and if it does, my sincerest apologies. Feedback would be most appreciated, even non-constructive criticism.  
> Trigger warnings I guess would be anxiety, depression, self-harm, alcoholism, self-loathing. There is no sexual conduct implied or described or anything. Just be warned.  
> I love you- Jack

Chapel always saw. It wasn’t hard, being around him so much, but she knew something wasn’t quite right the moment she saw him. The pained look in his eyes, how he never did anything with purpose. Chapel tried to talk to him about it, but was always met with a sarcastic comment and an early-ending shift. M’Benga took a little bit longer. He just thought that the purposeless, slow way the man did things was just a quirk until it got worse. He stopped talking less, even when Spock was around. He didn’t respond to his comms with the same urgency, he didn’t respond to his own name. Geoff tried talking to him about it, only to be greeted with a “Geoff, you’re dismissed.”

Scotty wasn’t good at emotions. He had alcohol for that. He didn’t notice other people suffering internally. Scotty just wasn’t good at that. But he could tell when something was wrong with his drinking buddy. “Hey, you feeling alright there? You haven’t touched your brandy, and that’s your favorite…” This effort was shut down with an ‘I’m fine,’ and an ‘I’m going to bed,’ shortly after. It was uncharacteristic of him. He couldn’t compare to Scotty’s tolerance, but he was no lightweight and loved his brandy. This was the first time they had gotten good-old-fashioned Earth brandy and he turned his nose up to it after barely a sip. Blamed it on a headache the next day. Uhura was good with emotions and helped Scotty come up with a makeshift idea of what was going on with their beloved friend and crewmate. They had no idea how to get this message to the man in question.

Jim knew from the first time heard him, but he ignored it, hiding the sinking feeling in his gut that his friend was not okay. Despite everything he said, there was something terribly wrong. Refusing to acknowledge it was better than being helpless, right? That’s what Jim thought, even though it did nothing to eliminate the helplessness that was making itself at home in the pit of his stomach. Because it clearly wasn’t there, he didn’t confront his best friend. It was just Jim being overly worried.

Spock was aware as well. Not right off the bat or noticing behavior, Spock wasn’t like that. Illogical things like feelings couldn’t affect logical things like math, science, or biology. It was an away mission, he wasn’t sure what it was, it was so long ago, but he remembers melding with him, and being shocked with the slew of thoughts. They were strong and quick and mean, and Spock thought they were directed at him, but he quickly learned they weren’t towards the Vulcan, but towards their own creator. Spock always knew the man was illogical and emotional but this was a new low. He pushed the memory to the back of his mind because such harsh feelings towards oneself struck close to home with him. Spock didn’t like it. Not for himself, not for his coworker, not for his worst enemy. Definitely not for his friend.

  
He didn’t know. He thought all these feelings were normal. Maybe not normal, but not really all that bad. He still got up and went along with his daily life, but it was getting harder to ignore. He tried to ignore the worry on Chapel’s face, the hurt on Geoff’s when he told him to leave. He tried to forget how Jim looked at him. Partly love and adoration, partly worry. He hated being worried about. He was just fine. Been just fine all his life, it hasn’t changed. He tried to forget the shock on Spock’s face when he stopped the mind meld without accomplishing the task. He tried not to remember the pained look the Vulcan gave him. He was just fine. He was the chief medical officer of Starfleet’s flagship. He was Doctor Leonard Horatio McCoy, M.D./Ph.D. He couldn’t be anything but fine.

 

Leonard McCoy was not depressed, no matter what the ship psychologist told him. People who were depressed had something wrong, no matter what Chapel told him. People who were depressed couldn’t function properly, no matter what Geoff told him. People who were depressed weren’t crazy or wrong, no matter what Jim said. Depression wasn’t a logical human response to loss or tragedy, no matter what the hobgoblin said. He was a doctor, not crazy. He didn’t need a friend, no matter what Sulu and Chekov thought. He didn’t need to communicate, despite what Uhura and Scotty said. What he needed, was for everyone to forget about it. Nothing was wrong. Nothing happened. Nothing changed.  
Word got around the ship really quick. “It’s like a small town sometimes, Bones,” Jim had said.  
“More like a high school,” Leonard had replied smoothly. He wished he could go back. Back when nobody whispered about him, back when nobody handled him with kid gloves. Back when he could say anything and not get questioned. When he could walk by without a pat on the shoulder or a sympathetic look. The only problem he has is this god-forsaken ship and the idiots on it.

 

“Hey Len,” Geoff said as he entered the medbay. Oh no. “I’m sorry. You’ve taken this a bit roughly, and I’m sorry. Everyone in the crew decided it would be for the best…” His voice died out to barely a whisper at the end.  
“But nothing’s wrong! Why couldn’t you just take my word for it and leave me alone? I can still do all my work so why do you care about me?” Leonard snapped. He didn’t mean to sound so… well, mean. To himself and to Geoff. But the latter was the only one that matters.  
“Len…”  
“I’m sorry Geoff, that came off mean, I’m sorry,” He said quickly. It didn’t do much to solve it.  
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Len. Depression is just something that happens. It’s natural and normal. It doesn’t always interfere with work. We care about you, Leonard. We all do…” with that, Geoff turned on his heel and left. Leonard felt bad. He excused himself to his quarters. What an idiot he was, hurting his friend’s feelings like that. He doesn’t deserve to call Geoff his friend.  
“Bones!” Leonard turned at the call of his name. Well, dumb nickname that sadly stuck. “Wanna go to lunch with me? I checked and our schedules align quite well on Wednesdays, so how ‘bout it?” Jim asked eagerly.  
“I think I’m gonna do some paperwork in my quarters.”  
“Bones…”  
“Sorry, Jim, I’ve been behind, I’ve got to finish,” Leonard replied. “Next week?”  
“Bones…”  
“Jim, I said I can’t! My deadline is tomorrow!” he said a bit too loud. A couple of ensigns turned to look.  
“Bones… You’re eating, right? You look like you’ve been losing weight…” Jim said. He was obviously worried. Oh no.  
“Of course I’m eating, Jim. I just have work! I’ll see you in a little bit.” He turned to leave.  
“Bones…? Don’t you need to get the food first?” Jim asked. Damnit.  
“I’ve skipped meals before, I can do it again.”  
“Yeah, it’s obvious you haven’t been eating nearly enough. Your deadline has been extended till further notice. C’mon, Leonard,” Jim said before grabbing Leonard’s arm and hauling him off to the mess hall.

“Doctor?” a voice came. Leonard knew that voice. That obnoxious… irritating… “Doctor?”  
“Yes, Spock? What is it?” Leonard asked briskly.  
“It has come to my attention that you are not feeling your best,” Spock sighed.  
“Whoever your source is, they are very wrong. I’m just fine. Thanks for your concern, though.” Leonard was genuinely grateful. It wasn’t every day that a Vulcan came and said they cared about you.  
“That’s not true,” Spock said before he could cut himself off. He blushed a vibrant green. “I was wondering if you would like to join me in meditation, as that can help clear your mind of all of the negative thoughts.”  
“Well… It might be fun…”  
“Doctor, I do not think you will enjoy it in the process, yet in the effects.”  
“Spock! I’m trying to get help okay? I accepted your offer! What more do you want from me!?”  
“I want you to feel better, Leonard. You and the captain are my closest friends and I would like to help you overcome your struggles.” Spock turned around. “I will see you after dinner.”  
Leonard sighed. This was getting harder and harder by the day.

“Hey Leonard!” Scotty? Yeah, definitely Scotty. Why was there even a question.  
“Scotty?” Leonard said while turning around. The Scotsman was standing next to Uhura, who looked almost as eager as Scotty, but in that mysterious Uhura way.  
“So, Leonard… We were wondering… would you like to hang out with us this shore leave?” Uhura asked.  
“Lenny, don’t make that face. It will be fun! We like having you around! Your scowl is the light of our lives,” Scotty said. His drama almost made Leonard smile.  
“Well? Shore leave is short this time, so don’t waste it all pondering!” Uhura pushed.  
“Yeah, Lenny? Y’know what? You don’t get a choice. C’mon!” Scotty yelled before grabbing Leonard by the wrist and hauling him off. Uhura giggled at this. Ms. Mysterious Nyota Uhura giggled. Leonard found himself smiling too. Spock’s meditation really had helped clear his mind. Not that he’d ever let the hobgoblin know.

 

The high always came before the low. Always. He was doing so well, and now he was in his quarters choking out sobs, each one racking through his whole body. His comm beeped. “McCoy here,” he said. He tried to make his voice sound like normal. Who knows if he succeeded.  
“Doctor? You’re late to your shift. It started an hour ago…” Christine said. She said it like a question.  
“Christine, I don’t think I’m going to make it this time,” he answered as evenly as he could.  
“Oka-” Christine was cut off by another sob. Damn it damn it damn it. “Leonard? What was that? Are you- I’m on my way.”  
“Christine, no…”

 

“Bones? Christine told me something was wrong? An emergency, and that I should report to your quarters immediately…” Jim started to say something else but trailed off when he saw the scene. He couldn’t see Leonard, but he could hear his sobs. He saw a couple of blood drops on the floor in the bathroom. “Bones bones bones bones…” Before Leonard had time to say anything, to tell him off, Jim had his arm around his back and was gently rubbing him. Before Leonard could stop himself he was leaning into the touch. “What’s wrong?”  
“I- I,” Leonard stuttered. It was hard to talk when having a mental breakdown.  
“It’s okay, you can tell me… The sky isn’t going to fall, the ship’s still here, you’re still here, everyone’s still here and it’s gonna be just fine…”  
“Jocelyn, she- she,” Leonard broke down into another round of sobs. It was pathetic. Jim stayed. “She-she-she made it so I can’t- I can’t see Joanna anymore, Jim,” Leonard finally finished.  
“She… what? How?” Jim was obviously surprised. And angry. “How could they possibly rule that you’ve been in in space for the past few years! They can’t do that! Starfleet should protect you!”  
“She referenced my alcoholism… And Starfleet couldn’t argue that. Starfleet can’t argue the fact that I’m a drunk.”  
“You’re not though! Even if you were back then, you aren’t now,” Jim said. The way Jim said it, it sounded final. “We’re gonna head to a station and we’re gonna get you to see your daughter, yeah? It’s gonna be okay.” Leonard leaned into Jim. It was weak and pathetic oh but he didn’t care. Jim picked up his comm. “Hey, Spock? Could you get…” Jim started talking. “Bones? What do you want to eat?” Jim stage whispered. What a strange man.  
“I want… som’th’ warm… doesn’t matter what…”  
“Spock? You hear that? Get Bones something warm, and from earth. The earthiest- wait,” Jim trailed off. It was strangely relaxing to hear Jim rattling off meaningless words.  
“Thank you Jim, and Chapel, Geoff, Scotty and Uhura… Tell Spock thanks for me, Jimmy…” Leonard said, his voice barely a whisper at the end.  
“I’m not going anywhere. So, you can tell them yourself later,” Jim said firmly. He held the doctor close. Leonard’s comm beeped. It was… Uhura?  
“Yes?”  
“Leonard! You’re okay! Chapel said something was wrong and Jim ran off to go see you. He hasn’t come back and we were worried about you.” Worried about Leonard, not Jim. “Scotty had to go down to engineering for something. All I heard was mumbling about how terrible Keenser is, but he says that he, and I quote, loves you very very much and because he likes you you must be pretty cool and by starfleet regulation you have to agree with him. What he means, is that he cares about you and doesn’t want you to hate yourself. Spock said that our fears of you… yknow…” she took a break to sigh. “Are most illogical. He was definitely lying. He’s worried about you too. Wait- is Jim there? Does he know you’re okay? He might be running around trying to find you and-”  
“Yes, Jim is here. Thank you Nyota. Tell everyone I said thanks. For everything. McCoy, out.” Maybe this dumb space thing wasn’t so bad. Maybe all wasn’t wrong aboard the starship. Leonard snuggled closer to Jim and began to fall asleep. Everything is fine, just like it always has been and always will be.

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations, you made it this far. I hope you enjoyed this. It must've been painful, I've never been too good of a writer but I try. Leave a comment or whatever. I know, I know, you read through this monstrosity and all you get is a request to do more work! I'd really appreciate it, though. It helps. To get advice. It could possibly spare someone else who decides to read another thing of mine. If I do one. Who knows, I may abandon this account. It's the future and nobody knows. I feel it necessary or of good tradition here on Ao3 to say that I have no proofreader and all grammatical, spelling, and character mistakes are my own and nobody but my own. But tell me so I can fix them here (I don't know if that's possible) or fix them in the future. Thank you immensely for reading, and thanks even more if you do get a chance to make a comment. Is that even possible? I'm pretty psyched that you exist, so wowee. That's a lot of thanks!  
> I love you so very very much, best of luck in all your endeavors- Jack


End file.
